GUH, PARENTAL ANGST.

As you probably know by now, I HATE living with my parents.
It's torture, and I have no privacy or a real life outside the walls of my bedroom.
I thought that it had mellowed out a bit until tonight, when my mom and I got into an argument.

You see, she keeps threatening to not let me go to college. It drives me crazy. She thinks I can't handle it. I pointed out that I have a 100% A in the class that I'm taking right now, but it's not enough. It's NEVERRRR enough.

I apply for jobs almost daily, do all of my work to my full potential and participate actively in class, but my mom wants much, much more.

She made me a list that outlines all the things she expects me to do if I expect to go to OSU in the fall. This list is just a reminder of how little my mom knows about me.

Here it is:

"What to Do?
1. Establish a regular sleep schedule
2. Start each day with an exercise routine.
3. Make contacts & solicit babysitting jobs.
4. Complete & follow up on zoo camp application.
5. Establish & Maintain a working order to living space.
(Your room- should require minimal time & attention)
6. Read book at least 1hr/day- preferably classics a college student should have read
7. Do own laundry regularly, including sheets.
8. Contribute to household upkeep- clean up after self in all common spaces, volunteer to cook at least 1 meal/week.
9. Seek out interior designers to do job shadows- should know if this is going to be work of special interest.
10. Plan sequences of classes needed to complete major.
11. Register for PSU spring term-choose classes now.
12. Catch up on all thank you notes owed- you will feel better & recipients will be happy to be recognized.
13. Ask family members about art project chosen (your x-mas gift), get supplies and make art projects.
14. Schedule Vega dance classes & go regularly.
15. Look up areas of potential interest at library.
16. Establish a study time daily.
17. Start following current events- read newspaper or follow news online.
18. Register to vote- need to do in advance if ever want to vote on issue or candidate."

This isn't normal, is it? To make a list like this for your 19 year old daughter? The fact that she expects me to do all of these things is a little ridiculous. I'm her daughter, not her robot bitch. I don't have interest in reading classic literature for fun and I certainly don't feel the need to start every day with an exercise routine.

Oh, and furthermore, I've already done most of these things, but she doesn't even take the time to ask. She just assumes I'm her big failure of a daughter that would be nowhere without the help of heroic mom. GUH!

Good god, I don't know how much longer I can stand this. She's such a control freak.

I still have 7 more months of this, too. Seven months of mindgames, of "I would change your attitude if you want to go to OSU..."

I did well in school for thirteen damn years. I graduated with honors. Now I screw up two classes my first term of college and I get this wrath from hell? What the fuck?!

I'm nearing a breaking point.

If I'm still alive by September, I will be hauling ass to Corvallis.

Boo, Valentine's Day

This was definitely the most depressing Valentine's day of my entire life.

There's nothing like a Hallmark holiday that romanticizes the joy of relationships to make you feel like shit for not having one.

But this Valentine's day wasn't depressing because I'm single- I'm used to that.

I've only had a "Valentine" once.

In the past, I have dressed up and handed out Valentines to all my friends. I mean really dressed up. Pink converse, knee-high socks with candy conversation hearts on them, pink leotards, pink satin skirts with white lace trim and pink sequins, white parasols- the real deal.

I'd make little personalized gift baskets for my besties and valentines for the rest. I was festive as hell. It took a great deal of preparation, but it was always a lot of fun.

This year I have been completely and utterly alone. I'm no longer in high school, so I had nowhere to go. I woke up at 5 p.m. because I was up all last night feeling sick.

I haven't even seen another human being yet. I just went downstairs and made myself a bagel sandwich, brought it to my room, and ate it. I watched an episode of American Dad to cheer me up but I can't help but think about how lonely it is in this house.

I was going to plan to do something fun on Valentine's day, to avoid feeling like this...I checked Portland events but there are not many on Valentine's day that are "singles friendly," except a singles CPR class, except you don't even get certified so that sounds KIND OF SKETCHY.

Then I was thinking "Hey! I could hang out with some friends!" Which sounds like a great idea, except my friends in town are either:

a) In high school and rowing and never available.

b) Have boyfriends

Valentine's day is supposed to be fun and kitschy and I missed it.

It sucks, but next year will be better.

Things I have time to ponder.

So I was sitting on the kitchen island today, painfully waiting for my dad's homemade macaroni and cheese to be ready when I had the craziest thought...

Imagine what it would be like to be a dish in a running dishwasher.

Like, I honestly have never thought about this before.

I load the dishwasher, turn it on, and don't think twice. But what the hell goes on in there?

Is it like a big sprinkler system? Do streams of water come from all sides? Does the entire thing fill up with water and suffocate the silverware?!

This could be a seriously traumatic experience. Or maybe it's too steamy to even see anything in there.

Thought provoking, really...the dishwasher.