5 Anecdotes

1. As a child

It started with an argument over stick-on earrings. This may sound ridiculous, but when you're a five-year-old girl these arguments can get heated. I'm walking around at recess. At some point my heart-shaped pink stick-on earrings attract the attention of Hannah, one of my best frienemies. "Um," she laughs "are you wearing stick-on earrings?" Busted. I glance at her newly pierced ears. The cubic zirconium nearly blinds me. "You’re a liar because your ears aren't really pierced. You're wearing stick-on earrings. So you're a liar." Now I'm mad. No frienemy of mine is going to call me a liar. I want to hit her. I want to rip her hair out. But I just yell "I AM NOT A LIAR" and run away from school. I'm walking home. Suddenly headlights are in my eyes and a car stops. My after school dance teacher shrieks "Erin! What are you doing?!" My plan is ruined. I am soon greeted by my parents and headmaster, who says that this is the final straw. I am expelled from the French American School.

2. As a student

Art has been engrained into my very existence. This is something that I realized in the 5^th grade, and is the reason why I chose to apply to Arts & Communication Magnet Academy- the school that would ultimately shape me into the person that I am today. Neither of my parents are what I would consider to be “artists”. My mom is a physician and my dad is a real estate consultant. My brother, Adam, used to have me illustrate projects for him when I was in elementary school. Though he is five and a half years older than me, I had a better handle on visual art than anyone else in my family. I am no Picasso or Fra Filippo Lippi. Regardless, being a student at ACMA for seven years gave me the opportunity to expand my artistic horizons and for that I am greatly appreciative.

3. As a friend

I felt like an outsider, boarding the bus filled with dozens of unfamiliar faces. Through a little serendipity, I chose one of the last empty rows- behind Lakin. As the bus rolled along, I let my gaze fall to her hands, where she was already in the process of completing a friendship bracelet. Embroidery floss was strewn across her lap and a look of intense concentration fell across the multicolored strings. Absentmindedly, I watched as each knot unfolded a pattern. I was startled when Lakin turned around and asked “Would you like to make a bracelet?” I responded almost immediately. “Sure. Thanks.” I had been secretly hoping she would offer. She gestured for me to move over to the seat next to her. I moved, and she introduced herself. We clicked almost instantly. My apprehension faded and for the next few hours we talked freely and laughed. By the time the bus reached Green Lake we were friends.

4. As part of a majority group

Like most people of my generation, I have trouble with the deep learning style. When doing homework, I find myself distracted often. I check my phone, look out the window, log into my facebook. Though I hate to admit it, I would consider myself a media addict. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of five and have been medicated ever since. One of the only things that I can truly focus all my attention on and get lost in is my art. When I am drawing or painting I forget about my surroundings and establish a flow in my work that remains uninterrupted for long periods of time.

5. As part of a minority group

In the fall, I attended the University of San Diego, a Catholic University. I am not Catholic myself. I actually consider myself a Unitarian Universalist. I attended a pre-orientation retreat that was focused on the Catholic faith. I did not really understand what was going on most of the time, and it was pretty awkward. Though only just over fifty percent of the student population at USD was actually a practicing Catholic, I never met another student that identified with my religion.

Like my favorite blog! :)

4.0!

I just checked my winter term grade. (Yeah there's only one)

I have a 4.0!

I don't care that I only took one class, I feel like I'm taking a step in the right direction.

YAY!

Springtime in Portland

Wow, talk about a BUNCH of life changes in the past few months.

Honestly, I didn't know what to think about PSU when I first started there. I was aprehensive, to say the least... Scratch that-Let's be honest, I hated it. Not because I had a reason to- but because I missed USD.

However, the more time I spend at PSU, the more I realize that it's actually a good place for me to be. I like the people I've met (well some of them anyway) and the staff are really friendly and helpful.

I went to my orientation on Thursday, which was probably the most boring thing of my entire life. I don't think I learned anything that I didn't already know from my college success class. But I got a ton of free stuff, so yay for that!

March 28th I start my full-time schedule (AHHH!) which means buhbye to whatever lingering social life I had left.
I'm scheduled to take a Biology Lab, Math 112, Writing 121, and Intro. to Philosophy.
That on top of Steps of Rhythm (The hip hop dance company I joined) and teaching dance, as well as an unlimited pass to vega dance studio will leave me a busy girl.

Oh, forgot to mention that I had an interview at Kohl's the other day. If that went as well as I think it did then I may be welcoming a part-time job into the works.

This is going to be a stark contrast to my last semester in which I only had one class and pretty much no other committments.

But I am definitely ready for some excitement in my life. I finally earned enough money to reinsure my car, YAY! So that's going to be fantastic. I miss my Lexus. :(

SO that's what's new. I haven't posted forever, not that anyone reads this haha. This is just to catch up, next time will be more entertaining, promisseeeee.

GUH, PARENTAL ANGST.

As you probably know by now, I HATE living with my parents.
It's torture, and I have no privacy or a real life outside the walls of my bedroom.
I thought that it had mellowed out a bit until tonight, when my mom and I got into an argument.

You see, she keeps threatening to not let me go to college. It drives me crazy. She thinks I can't handle it. I pointed out that I have a 100% A in the class that I'm taking right now, but it's not enough. It's NEVERRRR enough.

I apply for jobs almost daily, do all of my work to my full potential and participate actively in class, but my mom wants much, much more.

She made me a list that outlines all the things she expects me to do if I expect to go to OSU in the fall. This list is just a reminder of how little my mom knows about me.

Here it is:

"What to Do?
1. Establish a regular sleep schedule
2. Start each day with an exercise routine.
3. Make contacts & solicit babysitting jobs.
4. Complete & follow up on zoo camp application.
5. Establish & Maintain a working order to living space.
(Your room- should require minimal time & attention)
6. Read book at least 1hr/day- preferably classics a college student should have read
7. Do own laundry regularly, including sheets.
8. Contribute to household upkeep- clean up after self in all common spaces, volunteer to cook at least 1 meal/week.
9. Seek out interior designers to do job shadows- should know if this is going to be work of special interest.
10. Plan sequences of classes needed to complete major.
11. Register for PSU spring term-choose classes now.
12. Catch up on all thank you notes owed- you will feel better & recipients will be happy to be recognized.
13. Ask family members about art project chosen (your x-mas gift), get supplies and make art projects.
14. Schedule Vega dance classes & go regularly.
15. Look up areas of potential interest at library.
16. Establish a study time daily.
17. Start following current events- read newspaper or follow news online.
18. Register to vote- need to do in advance if ever want to vote on issue or candidate."

This isn't normal, is it? To make a list like this for your 19 year old daughter? The fact that she expects me to do all of these things is a little ridiculous. I'm her daughter, not her robot bitch. I don't have interest in reading classic literature for fun and I certainly don't feel the need to start every day with an exercise routine.

Oh, and furthermore, I've already done most of these things, but she doesn't even take the time to ask. She just assumes I'm her big failure of a daughter that would be nowhere without the help of heroic mom. GUH!

Good god, I don't know how much longer I can stand this. She's such a control freak.

I still have 7 more months of this, too. Seven months of mindgames, of "I would change your attitude if you want to go to OSU..."

I did well in school for thirteen damn years. I graduated with honors. Now I screw up two classes my first term of college and I get this wrath from hell? What the fuck?!

I'm nearing a breaking point.

If I'm still alive by September, I will be hauling ass to Corvallis.

Boo, Valentine's Day

This was definitely the most depressing Valentine's day of my entire life.

There's nothing like a Hallmark holiday that romanticizes the joy of relationships to make you feel like shit for not having one.

But this Valentine's day wasn't depressing because I'm single- I'm used to that.

I've only had a "Valentine" once.

In the past, I have dressed up and handed out Valentines to all my friends. I mean really dressed up. Pink converse, knee-high socks with candy conversation hearts on them, pink leotards, pink satin skirts with white lace trim and pink sequins, white parasols- the real deal.

I'd make little personalized gift baskets for my besties and valentines for the rest. I was festive as hell. It took a great deal of preparation, but it was always a lot of fun.

This year I have been completely and utterly alone. I'm no longer in high school, so I had nowhere to go. I woke up at 5 p.m. because I was up all last night feeling sick.

I haven't even seen another human being yet. I just went downstairs and made myself a bagel sandwich, brought it to my room, and ate it. I watched an episode of American Dad to cheer me up but I can't help but think about how lonely it is in this house.

I was going to plan to do something fun on Valentine's day, to avoid feeling like this...I checked Portland events but there are not many on Valentine's day that are "singles friendly," except a singles CPR class, except you don't even get certified so that sounds KIND OF SKETCHY.

Then I was thinking "Hey! I could hang out with some friends!" Which sounds like a great idea, except my friends in town are either:

a) In high school and rowing and never available.

b) Have boyfriends

Valentine's day is supposed to be fun and kitschy and I missed it.

It sucks, but next year will be better.

Things I have time to ponder.

So I was sitting on the kitchen island today, painfully waiting for my dad's homemade macaroni and cheese to be ready when I had the craziest thought...

Imagine what it would be like to be a dish in a running dishwasher.

Like, I honestly have never thought about this before.

I load the dishwasher, turn it on, and don't think twice. But what the hell goes on in there?

Is it like a big sprinkler system? Do streams of water come from all sides? Does the entire thing fill up with water and suffocate the silverware?!

This could be a seriously traumatic experience. Or maybe it's too steamy to even see anything in there.

Thought provoking, really...the dishwasher.

My parents think I'm twelve.

So I was on my laptop the other day, surfing the net as usual, when I noticed something strange. When I went to check my Facebook, I received a blank screen that read:

"Web Site Blocked by Filter."

I refreshed the page.

"Web Site Blocked by Filter."

I disconnected from the internet and reconnected.

"Web Site Blocked by Filter."

I restarted my computer.

"Web Site Blocked by Filter."

....My dad blocked Facebook on my computer.

At the ripe old age of 19, I cannot access Facebook without permission from my parents.

Fo' real.

The funny part is I don't even care. I think it's hilarious, actually. My parents think that

Facebook rules such a huge part of my life that I'll inevitably crumble into the social dark ages without it. I'm sure they were expecting a shit storm of a tantrum when I found out, but I've just ignored it thus far. It's really puzzling my dad, who assumed I spent 99.9999% of my time drooling over my news feed.

It's not like he was punishing me for anything, he just thought there were more productive things to do with my time. I agree. Maybe I'll pick up a new hobby. I could build model aircraft. Or sew clothes for trolls. I could learn Swedish! Or I could mother some pet rocks. The real world is so much more exciting than the internet world! Thanks, Dad :D

In other news, I got my blood drawn today without being a total douche about it. Woooh! This is a first. I hate needles and am prone to fainting after getting my blood drawn. I usually have to drink, like, six juice boxes before I can get my ass out of the office... So for today's accomplishments I applaud myself.

Deuces!

"You know what, yo?

you a bitch.
you should have a travel agent cause you a trip
you should make your own toilet tissue since you the shit...
but all you got is some fucking issues you fucking bitch."

-Kanye West, Deuces remix.

So Chris Brown's "Deuces" was the anthem of my weekend to Corvegas.

I left Friday night with Marissa, excuse me- Becky. We stopped for Mighty Kids Meals in Salem, naturally. In Salem, McDonald's is less of a fast food chain and more of a place where adults go to smoke cigarettes while their children meet strangers in the playplace.

We were having a relatively normal trip until WHAM out of nowhere we spotted a KKK meeting in action. Flaming cross thing and everything! It was alarming, to say the least. Yes, there is still a legitimate KKK. That's a Friday night in rural Oregon for you.

Once we arrived, I spent my weekend like the locals- doing little to nothing. I had a great time with Lakin and Victoria. I met her other suite mates, saw some of campus, hung out with Steele, and experiences the Beaver lifestyle up close and personal. Twas nice.

I drove back with Molly after sleeping away most of Sunday in Lakin's bed while she was forced to hang out on the dog bed she prepared for guests under her bed.

bye, I have a date.

Deuces!

Oh, snap!

It didn't take a lot of time before I realized that being bitter towards my parents about my situation wasn't making me or my parents any happier.

It's not their fault that I didn't get good grades- it's mine. Pushing my frustrations back at them wasn't constructive, and now I get that.

I mended things with the 'rents and since then I have been a hell of a lot happier.

I've started to think about what I do and how it affects the big picture. Like what small actions will ultimately get me my desired result.

I can complain about something I don't like but does that help me get what I want?

I can't believe that it's taken me this long to reach this mentality.

Bottom line- I feel happy now.

I am cheerful even though I have friends that are far from me, and that I miss.

I feel hopeful now, excited for what the future has in store. I feel alive. I feel cheesy.

And damn, I feel good.

Living in hell, except it's rainy.

WARNING: This blog contains a lot of bitching.

I would like to pretend that I'm enjoying my time in Portland, but that would be a lie.

I've been sick since I got back. I'm not getting any better.

I cough like crazy, I'm congested, I have a perpetual headache.

It's fantastic. One night I'll think I'm getting better, but the next morning I'll wake up barely able to breathe. I can't work out because I'm so congested that I run out of breath.

My parent are so restricting. They don't let me watch t.v., I don't have a car, there's nothing to eat in this damn house. It's kind of like living in jail, except my parents are here. People in solitary confinement have more freedom than I do. At least they can watch t.v.

Oh, and to add to the depressing atmosphere, the weather here SUCKS. It rains constantly, is freezing, and the sky is an immutable shade of gray.

If you're looking for a good location to off yourself, Portland's the place for you.

I just found out that my dad think's that he's going to go to San Diego with MY plane ticket to move my stuff. HAHA. The thought of my dad going through all my belongings makes me want to vomit. He sure as hell won't be able to tell what's mine from what belongs to Kater. I can't imagine anything more frustrating than my dad moving around my stuff and shoving my valuables into whichever box is lying around.

I have so many things to disassemble in that room. I have my art to take down, my canopy bed, the blinds... He wants to leave a bunch of stuff behind. I wanted to take my curtains that I bought with my money, but he just laughed at me and was like "who cares about curtains?! Leave them." I'll tell you someone who cares about curtains. ME. I bought them with my own money. It shouldn't be his choice if they're left behind or not.

Which leads me to wonder what else he'll want to leave behind. The more I think about it, the angrier I become. This whole situation just makes me want to explode.

I could live with going to Portland State this term. That's a frustration that I'm over with. But PLEASE, for the love of God...Let ME move MY stuff.

Does anyone else find this messed up?!

I will not be attending USD next semester.

That's right. I recently discovered that I will no longer be attending the University of Spoiled Daughters. After last semester's meek efforts at academia, my parents have deemed the school to be ineffective in advancing my education.

I am extremely torn.

On one side, I know that USD's probably not the right place for me. I'm what they call an "artistic spirit" and USD dosen't have a lot to offer me in that regard. I didn't particularly enjoy my core classes and I didn't feel excited about learning. I liked my architecture class, but that accounted for only 4 credits. So essentially I was paying 55,000 to enjoy one of my classes.

On the other side, I have my friends, my food, and my room. I have put a great deal of effort into ensuring that Kater and I have the coolest dorm on campus. Canopy beds, artwork, a flatscreen, perfume shelves, a vanity... We truly live in the swank factory. And then there's Kater. We bonded so much. We're incredibly different, but we synched somehow. I feel like she really understands me. I guess living with someone for 4 months can do that.

Of course there's Jewel, who I LOVE. I mean we got married for Christ's sake! I have never met anyone like her, and I'll be surprised if I ever do again. Jewel, If you're reading this a.) I LOVE YOU NEVER CHANGE THE WAY YOU ARE. b.) It's nice to know that someone reads my blog.

And the penthouse girls: Michelle, Meghan, Kate, Lacee. So many good times. Mission beach, Glee nights, mall trips, kings cup, gnos, and of course our fits of hysterical laughter at mealtimes. The toughest thing is going to be saying goodbye to the friends I've made and knowing I might not even get the chance.

And so I turn yet another page in the book of life...

Everything is up in the air right now.
I'm looking at schools, I'm looking at travel programs, I'm looking at jobs...
It's exciting to know that I choose my next step, but also overwhelming to be confronted with that decision.

I will miss the luxury of living in San Diego. The weather, the food, the views. But as much as I tried to deny it, USD just wasn't right for me. I will really miss you guys.